Warning: This post is not knitting related in any shape or form. It deals with very real, raw personal stuff. If you aren't interested, then I'll catch you on the B-side. If you've chosen to stick around to know a little more about me and to share in my personal growth, then read on...
I am not perfect, never will be...not even close (I know, horror of all horrors).
And I think I am finally coming to a place where I can be OK with that. For some time now, I've been so worried about others accepting me and my faults. But hello? What about the most important thing? Me accepting myself and my faults.
I had a major epiphany this weekend, while my gal E was in town (yes, I know, I am supposed to post pics, and I will...later). I've been comparing myself to Mr Wonderful in some ways, but Mr Wonderful is not perfect either. Where Mr Wonderful is stronger (money, self discipline, eating right), I am weaker. And where Mr Wonderful is weaker (being social, eloquence in speaking, cleaning house), I am stronger. And Mr Wonderful, in case you are reading this, I am in no way stating that I am perfect in my areas of strength (remember, I just said I wasn't perfect), but that those areas come to me with, perhaps, a bit more ease.
Can I just share that I am very, very proud of myself for finally coming to a place where I can stick to a workout? I won't say that every workout is the sweat-inducing, heaving workout seen on The Biggest Loser, but a workout is a workout in my book. It's the consistency that counts.
You know, 2005 was supposed to be my year. Mr Wonderful and I laid out some plans and actions and I was ready to go for it. A day and a half later, he had a seizure at 1:20am, which put a huge dent in my shiny, happy little motivation van (which of course, is a VW and is light blue with leopard print interior). 2005 became all about Mr Wonderful and what was going on in his head, quite literally. I took off work and left early to pick him up and take him to a zillion doctor appointments. The researching and processing of information was consuming. Fielding calls from all the people who care was appreciated, yet exhausting. I don't regret one milisecond of the time and effort I put forth to make my husband comfortable and be strong for him, but the emotional rollercoaster was wicked. Still is...
So now here we sit, almost a quarter into 2006 and Mr Wonderful is healthy and things are mostly back to normal. Except that not a day goes by without me flashing back to the "seizure day." I can see it like it is happening in front of me. Each day I look into my husband's eyes and I can remember the look of horror and confusion he had while the EMTs stood looking over him, asking him his name that night. I shudder when I drive by the hospital that kept him in the Emergency Room for 12 hours until they had a bed. The MRI and CT films are slumped on the floor, in the corner, by the computer. Each day, at least 3 times day, I pray that my husband comes home to me in the same condition he left. Mr Wonderful doesn't understand my stress or my anxiety. And up until this point, I haven't been able to shake it off...
Until now. 2006 is going to be about me. Just warning you, is all...
I am so behind the times commenting on this post like a whole week later. But it should be the Summer of Skylar! I vote for it. (Did I spell your name right?) I would be so scared every day if that happened to my husband so I'm not suprised you're having trouble getting over that. It would freak me out. I have trouble accepting myself as well and trying to stick to a fitness routine. Its definitely work. Hope everything goes well! :)
Posted by: biglug | March 24, 2006 at 07:08 AM
Good for you Sky!!! I think you guys make a great couple. You compliment each other very well, I feel bad that you are just realizing this. Hopefully this realization will help you excel in your strengths, remember a clean house is a happy house, and it probably wouldnt hurt to focus a bit more on some cooking. Mr. W tells me he gets bored of the same meals ALL the time.
Posted by: DJRUDOG | March 14, 2006 at 05:14 AM
Good for you! It can be so hard to devote so much of your heart and mind to caring for and about someone else, and I'm sure all that fear was absolutely draining. I can't wait to read more about the year of you!
Posted by: MeBeth | March 13, 2006 at 04:00 PM
Nothing wrong with wanting the year to be about you :)
Quick question for you...I'm still trying to chose the yarn for your socks. I have something in mind that I would love to use. I don't want to give anything away but it does have a color you said you like (and it's bright) and doesn't have any of the colors you listed as dislikes. It does, however, have some grey and black. Not everyboody likes that though so before I get going with these babies I wanted to touch base with you. I have another yarn to use if this one doesn't sound good. So what do you think?
Posted by: Sockpal | March 13, 2006 at 12:47 PM
You really do have to start taking care of yourself first, putting yourself first, so you will be stronger and more capable for the others who depend upon you. This seems like the time for you to go for it and focus on what you want and need. You proved your strengh for your husband by being there when you were needed. Now it's time to become even more capable.
Posted by: Katie | March 13, 2006 at 11:53 AM
I'm glad you are coming to a place where you can accept and love yourself...It can be a battle but I know you'll win! You've proved you are an amazing caregiver but now it's time to take care of yourself. You deserve YOU time!
Posted by: Marie | March 13, 2006 at 11:40 AM
Good for you. Sometimes we can be a bigger help to our husbands by putting ourselves first. We make better partners when we remember we are whole people too. And who knows maybe putting you up at the top of your to do list will help you settle back into your life without so much anxiety and worry.
A few years ago my hubby had a health scare requiring the biopsy of his kidney and I was a worry wart for months after. I know where you are coming from and it does get better.....
Posted by: Bonnie | March 13, 2006 at 10:35 AM
First off, I am so glad that Mr W is healthy and doing well... I can only imagine what that experience must have been like. Congrats on sticking to the workout - it's a tough thing to do - and for making this year about YOU!
Posted by: KnitsNPieces | March 13, 2006 at 10:33 AM
I wish you the very best for this 2006 year. I can't fully relate to your personal experiences, but last year was a bit of a trying year for us too. This year has started out wondefully and I know it will only get better. . . again, all the best to you, it's ok if it's all about you! ;)
Posted by: sedie | March 13, 2006 at 09:03 AM
I wish you the best in the Year of You! I'm sorry that you worry about Mr. Wonderful so much. It's difficult to not to worry, but it sounds like you are trying to focus your energy on something really positive...you!
Posted by: Anne Marie | March 13, 2006 at 08:16 AM
yep, i agree with carrie. everybody just has to be the best that they can be and not gauge our actions or behaviors by other people's standards. that was a big realization for me too about 6 years ago. coming up from that hole is an eye opening experience, and let me tell you, you enjoy yourself and your life a whole lot more witout all those feelings of guilt and self-loathing.
i'm glad to hear that mr. wonderful is still doing well! 2005 is behind you. may 2006 be merry, exciting, and all about you!
Posted by: gleek | March 11, 2006 at 07:52 AM
oh hon, i had no idea that happened to you. i can't imagine how frightened you were, and i hope he remains well.
and i know what you mean about accepting yourself but trying to improve. i always say that i'm just trying to be the best carrie, whatever that means.
Posted by: carrie m | March 10, 2006 at 06:18 PM