On Muses and Mojos...All Lost and Possibly Found

Life is incredibly, ridiculously, ironically funny sometimes, don't you think?  I was so keyed up to begin writing again on this old blog, but life just took my by the boot straps and said "Nope hon, you are going with me.  And get your coat, 'cuz it's gonna get blustery."

Now remember two posts ago when I said that HotelChain released me from my restraints job?  Initially, I was so happy about that.  Really, I was.  And to be honest, I still am thrilled to be away from the insanity that HotelChain can rain down upon one's soul.  But I never really considered how difficult it would be to purge 8 years worth of emotions associated with that place.  For eight years, I always knew that no matter what, I had a job...not the best job, but a job.  I built relationships within the HotelChain and outside of the HotelChain that seemed to be held together because of the HotelChain.  So when I saw myself left with no more HotelChain, all of a sudden, I felt as though it all was being swept away from me.  The friendships, the comfort, and my dignity.  This, my friends, has not been an easy pill to swallow.  It's one thing to choose not to work...it's another to not have a choice.

One would think that with the free time associated with not having to work and not having any other major responsibilities (namely, children), I would have knit myself into a warm and fuzzy little comfort zone, complete with padded room for the truly insane days.  But no.  And I really started to ask myself, has my mojo been sucked away too?  I know it's been dwindling in the past few months, but I never considered it completely gone, because I still stalked patterns, yarn, and blogs without hesitation.  But for sometime, even those things weren't as sparkly and bright to me as they once were.

So I didn't feel like knitting as much, but why not write, and possibly, look for inspiration, in my own words?  Up until very recently, I have not been able to answer that question.  It seemed that blogging was so very important to me for a time there, with the exception of some major life blips.  But in the last few months, I have found it painfully hard just to sit down and leave a comment on your blogs, let alone write an entry for myself.  And please understand that I don't mean to exaggerate writers' block and the such.  This is not the sort of issue I was having.  I am the sort of person who has generally found it pretty easy to form thoughts and ideas and express them in words, both written and spoken. 

Over the last few months, Mr Wonderful and I had noticed a change in my ability to formulate and express thoughts.  It seemed as thought I was constantly fishing for the easiest of words and expressions, and easily forgetting what I had just been saying.  At first we chalked it up to stress and thought it would go away.  But in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong.  I considered a brain tumor (yes, I jumped right to that theory, because...why the heck not), but when my rational self took over, I knew that if I had a tumor, it would have shown up in a recent MRI.  So, hmmm...what could it be?  Then, a couple of days ago, I ran across an ad for Topamax, a medication I take to help keep my migraines away and thought I'd read through the 'side effects.'  Yep, there I found it.  It basically said that some people taking the medication have difficulty concentrating, formulating thoughts and recalling words.  Wow.  That's me.

So here we are today.  I've been emailing my doc and we are cutting back on the meds, because well, I need to be able to communicate, right?  Immediately, I can feel the difference, hence the desire to write today...and write a lot.  Good news.  I have a new job too.  I work for a yoga company, selling merchandise.  We train instructors in our style of yoga that is truly for EVERY BODY.  I am loving it so far.  I even participated in my first level of instructor certification.  How great is that?

And finally, in all of the chaos that has been going on, Mr Wonderful and I are purchasing a new home!  Life, after all this is over, can we slow down a bit so maybe I can knit again?

Comments

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[crochet secrets]

It is certainly great to know that you found the source of your problems and were able to fix it with your doctor. Hopefully things will be looking up now. A new house, new job! New year,, too!

[Debbie]

what a relief you figured out it was the medicine!

[carrie m]

hey, just checking in to see how you are doing! feeling better? liking the job?

[biglug]

It's great that you found the source of your problems and were able to fix it with your doc. Hopefully things will be looking up now. A new house, new job! So exciting!

[deborah]

I wish somebody would come up with "being overly happy" as a side effect. Nevermind, they already did, it is called Zolof...

Glad you are better!

[Sarah]

Congrats on the house and the new job!

Glad to see you back up and running, lady!! ;)

[Katie]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} So glad to see that you posted...I hear you...maybe it is this time of year or something...transitions are always hard, but the outcomes are wonderful :)

[Bonnie]

So glad you are back with all your fantastic wit and expressiveness! Blog surfing just isn't the same without you.

Congrats on the house! I want to send you a fabulous Costa Rican housewarming gift.

I also wanted to thank you again for the invitation to your SnB when I was out in California. For non-Topomax related reasons I can't find the words to express how much that evening meant to me. The recent death in my family coupled with looming surgeries and other terminally ill family members was weighing me down. The evening gave me a few precious hours to feel free and light. Thanks again to you and all the wonderful ladies at SnB Long Beach.

[Katie]

OMG, I'm glad you found out that you were experiencing a side effect and could fix it. That must have been kind of scary. I hope you stay clear headed and keep posting because I have missed you terribly. And that your headaches stay away too. Congrats on the house!

[Karma]

Welcome back! How many levels of good fortune are you experiencing at once? Job, home, love, health... wonderful. Enjoy!

[Nubiancraftster]

Yeah you back!!! Congrats on the new med reduction, job and house!!! What a combo :O) Can't wait to see you back at SnB

[Vickery]

Uh! Side effects! I once took a pain medication and couldn't stop crying for 8 hours! It's good you're getting off it and getting your life on a new exciting track!

[gleek]

you're back! wow, sounds like the migraine drugs really did steal your mojo, huh? it's amazing how you can sometimes go so long on a drug and never think about the side effects of it if it's doing its job. always a tough one. congrats on the new job and house!

[Amanda]

Oh lady! I've missed you and I am SO glad that you are back! I can't believe it - side effects so subtle and insidious that your will to write and knit were gone. That's some crazy shit. Thank goodness you had the good intuition to check into the meds. Many hearty congrats on the new job and the new home!!

[Sarah]

I am so happy to hear things are turning around for you. Sucky that you had to go through the not-fun stuff, but it sounds like you are in a really good place right now. I've missed ya.

Your new jobs sounds AWESOME. :)

By the way...you and the Mr. up for doin' dinner with me and B when we come out there in November? Or, you know, you and I could just go roll around in some yarn or something.